DEPENDABILITY + TRUST = VULNERABILITY

LADIES PLEASE MAKE SURE THIS NEED IS NOT MET TOO SOON BY THE WRONG PERSON!! One of the things that we want to make women aware of is their vulnerability to what appears to be a dependable man. It doesn't matter how strong or independent she may be, if she allows a male that is a non-relative become dependable, then her wall of protection will come down leaving her highly vulnerable. For that matter we also want to inform good males that they need to protect this vulnerability in their female relatives. Please understand that one of the most desired qualities ladies look for in a male is that he simply be someone upon whom she can depend and trust. In many cases, the man that she is with may not be as aware of this need as he should be, so for his sake we want to help him become keenly responsive to this requirement. For many men, fixing something around the house is not always a top priority but for the woman it is very important. Leaving the house broken for her is like leaving herself broken or undone. In other words it becomes personal and not just an inanimate object sitting in the home. It gives her a sense of wholeness and security when the male handles things in a timely manner or at least let’s her know when he plans to take care of it. Of course if he makes a schedule of when he is going to actually fix things he needs to keep his word. In fact it gives her a feeling of comfort and confidence when he handles things without her ever having to tell him at all.

This is part of what she means when she says that she wants him to be a man. Basically, she is saying that she wants him to be responsible, to take the initiative in handling things that need to be taken care of and  be willing to make decisions. When a man is not aware of this or fails to handle this responsibility and another male consistently steps into this place; the male in her life is leaving her vulnerable to the possibility of infidelity , harm or possibly placing her in a position where she will begin to question his manhood. This doesn’t have to be verbal. She can simply stop asking you to handle certain things and do them herself. This is not good because whenever a female has to look past you it becomes not just a matter of dependability but also matters of trust, and trust is not an easy thing to get regain. There are many men whose wives (or other women in their lives) have taken the reigns and are not willing to trust him to handle his position as the male or man in her life. As we said earlier women desire to have a male that they can depend on.

The story of Joseph (Genesis 39:1-19) gives the best example of how this can happen. While Joseph was a slave in the house of Potipher, he became supervisor over everything that they owned. He made sure that all the needs of Potipher’s family were met, kept a record of everything they produced and brought great wealth to his masters. According to the scriptures his master didn’t even know how much money he had. As a result of this Joseph was not treated like an ordinary slave. He wore the best clothes and in the eyes of the entire household Joseph was the man of the house. Now it must be understood that Joseph never flirted with Mrs. Potipher, but in her eyes he was the man in her life. Why, you may ask? It is because he was the one who met her needs on a consistent basis and because of this she became quite comfortable with him causing her to see him in a totally different light. His motives were honorable but that didn’t matter to her. Her husband had allowed her to become vulnerable and she let herself feed into this fantasy to the point that she was ready to force Joseph to have sex with her. Now let us go over some lessons that cam be learned from this episode. Brothers, make sure that you are aware of the need for a woman to have a male that she can depend upon. Secondly, protect her and yourself by taking care of your responsibilities and finally be careful of being so helpful to other women who are not relatives for you are not quite as strong as you think. Sisters, true to the Eve Factor this is something that is innate so you need to make yourself aware of it. You also need to be aware that some men are not conscious of this, so if you have a husband, son, boyfriend etc. you need to clearly warn him. You need to spell it out for him in plain old English. You need to get him this book! Don’t beat around the bush. Tell it like it is. I'd like to say to both males and females, "Please be aware that there are males and females that are experts at this and are looking for opportunities to capture prey. The way this works is simple. First there is Mister Helpful, then trust is built and over a period of time someone gets too comfortable."  That’s why the formula is DEPENDABILITY + TRUST = VULNERABILITY.

LEARNING TO COUNT

As children we learn to count. We count toys, days, years, money and all sorts of things that are important to us. It has been a powerful tool that helps us get through life. Counting can tell you what you have, what you don’t have and how much you need. Within a relationship these figures are vital. If you are brave enough to take the time to count the blessings and wonderful qualities you’ve been afforded through your relationship with your partner, you will then realize that you’ve got a lot to be thankful for. It will also remind you why this person is so important to you causing you to again value what you have. It will also tell you what you could potentially lose if you are not careful. Go ahead and count them. Do it now. You’ll be so glad you did.

When you do the math and find out what you don’t have, then you become privileged to what your relationship can be by adding in what it is lacking. The formula for this calculation is: You + Your Mate times Conversation on what you can do to make your relationship better = An awesome plan for a better relationship. Guys the ladies usually know exactly how to do this, so bravely dive right in. Of course all of this takes time, but believe me it is time worth taking.

In taking an honest introspective inventory of yourself you can come up with what and how much you truly need from your relationship. Too many people have no true idea as to what they need from a relationship. What’s worse is we either are afraid to ask or don’t know how or what to ask for. In many cases we are too often escaping or running from something or someone that we’ve never taken the time to know ourselves enough to know what we want prior to entering into a new relationship (see Blog Entry:  “WHY DO I ALWAYS CHOOSE THE WRONG PERSON”). Take time for you and do the inventory on whom you are and what you need. You’re worth it. 

When you learn to count and do the math you come out with some very interesting numbers.

LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH

This is an oldie, but goodie from SWM

Matthew 22:39: “And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Ephesians 5:28: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”

Most of us clearly understand God’s command that we love others, but unfortunately some of us don’t realize that this has to first begin with love for ourselves. Oh yes we can name the Greek words for love with great pride as they roll off of our tongue “Philios, Storge, Eros and Agape”, but when it comes to loving ourselves we sometimes come up short. One cannot properly love someone else if they don’t love themselves. Loving one self is the basis on which we are able to love others. It is also that which helps us know the boundaries of that love. That’s why we are taught to love others as (we first love) ourselves. This principle helps us maintain a healthy balance when it comes to love. In other words you don’t love someone to the point of smothering them or hurting yourself. People who do not maintain self love can: forgive others, but find difficulty forgiving self, see worth in others, but not in themselves, find time to do good for others and little or no time for themselves, give compliments to others, but find it hard to receive them, see others as lovable, but themselves as unlovable. Furthermore it seems that we become confused with the scripture that tells us to deny ourselves. Some of us think it tells us to neglect ourselves. The denying of ourselves, as spoken by the scripture, is neglecting and forsaking our ways of doing, viewing and pursuing and embracing God’s ways of doing, viewing and pursuing. For instance we tend to curse those that curse us, but God’s way is to bless them that curse us and pray for them that despitefully use us (Luke 6:28). It is trading in of our old ways to embrace His ways and has nothing to do with treating ourselves bad. Loving yourself is self preserving and not selfish or self centered. It causes us to protect ourselves and thereby survive. That’s why we are taught to “save ourselves” (Acts 2:40). So before you run out there and love someone else; make sure that you already “Love The One You’re With!”

A Letter Gets Heard When You Don't

In all of my experience teaching couples to build strong, lasting and loving relationships I have found that everyone experiences a point where communication with one another becomes difficult. Sometimes situations are either too painful or problematic where verbal communication just can't be done without explosive results. I'm talking about those times where both parties want to be heard and are not interested in listening to the other person's side of the story. Everyone knows that if there is no communication the only thing that we have  left are bad attitudes, assumptions and an ever growing unhealthy situation. Whenever I have a couple that are experiencing this I always encourage them to find a way to communicate. One of the best ways that I have found to break the ice is to mail a letter to the other person without a return address. In the letter take the time to tactfully convey what you want your mate to know. Why a letter?

• It is because people will read a letter even when they have no interest in talking to you. 
• They can't argue with a letter.
• While they may get angry with what they read there is no real physical confrontation.
• They will know what is on your heart
•  It shows that you value your relationship enough to do what it takes to keep communication alive

I have never seen this fail to open up communication. Try it. Don't be surprised if you get a letter back.

What Is Love?

What is love? I know that many eons and millions of words have been spouted out on this topic, but what is this thing called love? It is the unconditional giving of oneself without losing oneself. It is the willingness to grow and share that growth with a willing partner. It is the joy of sharing and being as one yet individuals. It is the unconditional communication between two people. It is a commitment to that person to be there, to honor the other and to respect them and validate them. It is to cherish, share, smile and cry together. To experience life and all it has to offer. Where the "things" in life do not mean as much as each other. Where your hearts share and relish in one another. It is a place of contentment and experience. It is the beauty and grace of two spirits/souls intertwined in the magical journey of life. It is taking those nuances of each and combining them into tolerance and acceptance. It is the combining of two individuals into one unit, but maintaining the needed individuality for survival. It is holding, kissing, hugging, making love and the warmth of two people cuddled together. It is acknowledging the feelings and needs of each. It is a commitment to help the other in any endeavor that they should choose to embark upon. It is knowing the others heart! It is not being afraid, but being honest, caring and compassionate. It is helping your partner to grow and not yet not becoming afraid of that person, but being able to share what needs to be said and saying it in love. It is acknowledging the boundaries of each and of self and maintaining those lines.

Partners Hold Hands

Partnership in relationships is an absolute must. It is a powerful commitment and without it the relationship will fail. The two of you may yet be together, but the relationship is not working because without partnership it has become out of balance. Partnership means that you are in each other’s corner working towards the best for each other regardless of what it takes. It’s a conscious decision emphatically made by both parties. In becoming partners, there must be an understanding that it will require a considerable amount of effort, so don’t expect it to be easy. In fact, it is only maintained by constant work. One of the special things that partnership brings to the relationship table is SECURITY. Security is the peace in knowing that the other person is going to be there for you regardless. Committed Partnership has the ability to help us become more tolerant, patient, appreciative, protective, unselfish and loving towards one another. When things get tough committed partnership reminds us that the two of us are in this thing together. The next time you find yourself in an argument try this exercise: You can do this either sitting or standing. Face to face, take each other by both hands and continue the argument. You can do this because “Partners Hold Hands.”

Why Do I Always Choose The Wrong Person?

One of the most interesting relationship questions that I’ve ever been asked is, “Why do I always pick the wrong person?” It is usually accompanied by this question, “How do I stop picking the wrong person?” While there are many answers to these questions I think one of the most important one is the fact that knowledge of oneself must take precedence to entering into a relationship with someone else. What I mean is that you have to choose to know yourself first. Doing so will arm you with the information necessary for making wise choices when it comes to being romantically linked. For example: What are your likes, dislikes, ambitions in life, traditions and personal beliefs? How did you grow up? Did you have a large family with gatherings or no family at all? What have been the experiences that have shaped your life? Are there things that you don’t mind settling for? What about behaviors that you will not tolerate? Are you very passionate, talkative, quiet, adventurous, withdrawn or fun loving? How important are these things to you?  These are things you need to know. I have only listed a few of them, but it is by knowing some of these things that you will have what you need to form a set of solid expectations, requirements and boundaries for a relationship with someone else. Please understand that these determinations need to be made BEFORE you are faced with a moment of decision. That way you won’t have to think about them. They will have the ability to automatically kick in when you need them. Unless you take the time (YES I SAID TAKE) to do this you will be like someone blindfolding themselves and stopping up their ears before choosing between two barrels to stick their hand into. One of the barrels, which will be nearest to you, is filled with venomous vipers and the other contains the keys to one of life’s greatest treasures. You’ll just keep choosing the nearest, most available and assessable barrel where you will consistently get bitten. Why not take the time to choose you first instead?