WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY WIFE

I love how wonderful it feels when I hold her, the amorous fragrance of her perfume, her feminine hands and glances she gives me that seem to say, without words, "I love you." I especially love the way she looks in a romantic restaurant where the light, though it may be dim, seems to gently highlight all that is so irresistibly attractive about her. I love the way she looks in her high heels and yet there are so many other things I love about her. However, more than anything else I love the essence of who she is. I love Sharon. Yes I know I am a preacher, but I am also a man; a man who is in love with his wife. Is there anything wrong with that?

RELATIONSHIP SECRET2: SHE THINKS YOU KNOW

IDENTIFYING THE EVE FACTOR - Part2

IDENTIFYING THE EVE FACTOR - Part1

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOSE YOUR MANHOOD

INTRODUCING THE EVE FACTOR

HEY GUYS HERE'S SECRET #2: SHE THINKS YOU KNOW

Have you ever experienced the following scenario? Your lady is upset with you, you don’t know why and when you ask her what is wrong she responds, “You know what’s wrong”? Well the truth is she really thinks you know what’s wrong. It’s not that she feels you can read her mind, but in some ways she feels that you should be in tuned with her enough to know what’s going on. Sometimes a woman’s thought process see something is so obvious that she assumes you see it too. I know you can’t read her mind, but that’s the way it sometimes is. We can wait and expect for her to start thinking like a man ( which may result in making the situation worse) or we can take the lead in the matter. Let her know that you are totally committed to making the relationship work, but because males and females sometimes communicate differently you are unable to do so without her help. Tell her, “I can see that there are things which occur within a relationship that are clearly discernable to you, however they are not that way from the male perspective. It has nothing to do with my love for you, it is just a difference in the male-female view of things.” From that point suggest to her that, “It is something that we can get better at if we are willing to take the time. It won’t happen overnight, but we will get better.” Remind her again that you truly don’t know what the problem is, but would like to know. After she tells you what it is, then proceed to make sure you understand what she is conveying to you by repeating it back to her. Repeat this until you have a clear understanding of what’s troubling the relationship. From that point the two you can begin to come up with a resolution. 

HEY GUYS HERE'S SECRET #1: KNOW AND DO THE BASICS

 If you know anything about an automobile, then you know that basic maintenance will cause it to last a long time giving you great enjoyment. Well the same thing applies to our relationships with the ladies in our lives. If you are like most of us guys you really want your relationship to work, but sometimes need a little help. I have been quite fortunate to have some older men in my life who took the time out to explain some things to me. One of the greatest lessons they’ve given me is “The Basics.” Let me put it to you like this. If your lady has ever said, “Why can’t you be more romantic?” or “You don’t show your love for me”, then learning the basics will show you how to handle it and a number of other issues.

Let’s get started by defining what “The Basics” are. The basics are ways you show her know that you care, appreciate, notice and are in tune with her. The basics are not dependent on special days (birthdays/holidays), special moments or events. They do not appear to be timed, rehearsed or calculated (in a negative/deceptive way as in trying to deceive or making up for an obvious Dog House moment). The basics are done just because.

You Care: She needs to know that she matters to you. It is important for her to know that she is a priority in your life. In other words do things that lets her know that she comes first.

You Appreciate Her: Let her know in little ways that you are thankful for what she does. Believe me it does not take away our manhood to do this. Actually this brings some very nice benefits. This is so easy. If she cooks a meal and usually washes the dishes, then just take over the kitchen duties for the night and let her relax. You guys are really going to be dangerous.

You Notice Her: Whenever she does something different she wants you to be aware of it. So whenever she changes her hairstyle, wears a different outfit or fixes a special meal for you, compliment her. Try this out and watch her reaction.

You’re In Tune With Her: Have you ever given her something and you got the feeling that she didn’t really feel happy about it? You probably felt that she wasn’t grateful, but what really happened is that you gave her something that indicates that you really don’t know her. You may have given her a big box of chocolate and she would have been satisfied with a small bag of Hershey’s Kisses. This is all about listening to and knowing your lady. I’ve got a lot more info on this, but you’ve got to read my book entitled “The Eve Factor.”

If you are the type of guy who thinks that he doesn’t have to do all of this, then you are also a guy who is totally missing out on the many benefits that the rest of us are enjoying.

WHO CARES HOW ATTRACTIVE THEY ARE?

All of us have met someone who was drop dead gorgeous to later find out that they were not at all who we were looking for. Let’s be for real. We all like having someone who is attractive on our arm. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but when it comes to finding that special someone who we intend to spend the rest of our lives with, looks should not be the beginning and end of our relationship criteria. As I have said on previous occasions we’ve got to know ourselves prior to making that selection. We have got to know our likes, dislikes, needs, things we can truly learn to live with, things we clearly know we will not tolerate and especially those that we deep down within know that will totally break the deal. You see there are those things that we ignore just because. Are you asking me “because of what?” Don’t play games with yourself or me. You know good and well what you’ve settled for to only EXPLODE later in the relationship. Again you’ve got to get to the point where it is over whenever someone crosses the line that you have personally defined as something you totally will not tolerate. If you are honest with yourself you will admit that there were times when you ignored things “just because.” Don’t forget you chose to enter the relationship. So let us grow up a little and stop being so angry with the other person. Is it really worth our time and energy? It only precludes you from moving forward in your life. We could really be doing something more productive. I also don’t want anyone out there to beat up on him or herself for allowing this to happen. All of this is simply a part of life. If you haven’t made a mistake, then you haven’t lived. Besides you are learning how to make better choices.

WHAT MAKES A LADY ATTRACTIVE? COULD IT BE THE FRAGRANCE?

What makes a lady attractive to males? Is it just an overall pretty face, attractive eyes, lips, skin tone, figure, hair, manner of dress, talents, walk, talk or personality? Certainly all of these things, collectively and individually, cause males to be attracted to her, for some she may not look attractive enough, to others she’s the things dreams were made of.

What makes a lady attractive to males? As we said earlier there are many things, but two of the most attractive attributes a woman can possess is her femininity and self confidence (which I define as a love and respect for herself coupled with a strong dose of self reliance and a solid sense of direction). These qualities, in combination, make up what I call “The Fragrance!” When a woman has the Fragrance she is most attractive to a male. It is then that she’s her most sassy, sexy, alluring and winsome. Guys love seeing her, talking to her, being acknowledged by her and simply being in her presence. There is something about a woman who has the Fragrance that supersedes everything else. She doesn’t need to present herself as overtly sexy or anything like that. She could have just come out of the backyard wearing a jean skirt, wrinkled blouse, and gloves with dirt on her face and she would still look great! Know anyone like that? 

DEPENDABILITY + TRUST = VULNERABILITY

LADIES PLEASE MAKE SURE THIS NEED IS NOT MET TOO SOON BY THE WRONG PERSON!! One of the things that we want to make women aware of is their vulnerability to what appears to be a dependable man. It doesn't matter how strong or independent she may be, if she allows a male that is a non-relative become dependable, then her wall of protection will come down leaving her highly vulnerable. For that matter we also want to inform good males that they need to protect this vulnerability in their female relatives. Please understand that one of the most desired qualities ladies look for in a male is that he simply be someone upon whom she can depend and trust. In many cases, the man that she is with may not be as aware of this need as he should be, so for his sake we want to help him become keenly responsive to this requirement. For many men, fixing something around the house is not always a top priority but for the woman it is very important. Leaving the house broken for her is like leaving herself broken or undone. In other words it becomes personal and not just an inanimate object sitting in the home. It gives her a sense of wholeness and security when the male handles things in a timely manner or at least let’s her know when he plans to take care of it. Of course if he makes a schedule of when he is going to actually fix things he needs to keep his word. In fact it gives her a feeling of comfort and confidence when he handles things without her ever having to tell him at all.

This is part of what she means when she says that she wants him to be a man. Basically, she is saying that she wants him to be responsible, to take the initiative in handling things that need to be taken care of and  be willing to make decisions. When a man is not aware of this or fails to handle this responsibility and another male consistently steps into this place; the male in her life is leaving her vulnerable to the possibility of infidelity , harm or possibly placing her in a position where she will begin to question his manhood. This doesn’t have to be verbal. She can simply stop asking you to handle certain things and do them herself. This is not good because whenever a female has to look past you it becomes not just a matter of dependability but also matters of trust, and trust is not an easy thing to get regain. There are many men whose wives (or other women in their lives) have taken the reigns and are not willing to trust him to handle his position as the male or man in her life. As we said earlier women desire to have a male that they can depend on.

The story of Joseph (Genesis 39:1-19) gives the best example of how this can happen. While Joseph was a slave in the house of Potipher, he became supervisor over everything that they owned. He made sure that all the needs of Potipher’s family were met, kept a record of everything they produced and brought great wealth to his masters. According to the scriptures his master didn’t even know how much money he had. As a result of this Joseph was not treated like an ordinary slave. He wore the best clothes and in the eyes of the entire household Joseph was the man of the house. Now it must be understood that Joseph never flirted with Mrs. Potipher, but in her eyes he was the man in her life. Why, you may ask? It is because he was the one who met her needs on a consistent basis and because of this she became quite comfortable with him causing her to see him in a totally different light. His motives were honorable but that didn’t matter to her. Her husband had allowed her to become vulnerable and she let herself feed into this fantasy to the point that she was ready to force Joseph to have sex with her. Now let us go over some lessons that cam be learned from this episode. Brothers, make sure that you are aware of the need for a woman to have a male that she can depend upon. Secondly, protect her and yourself by taking care of your responsibilities and finally be careful of being so helpful to other women who are not relatives for you are not quite as strong as you think. Sisters, true to the Eve Factor this is something that is innate so you need to make yourself aware of it. You also need to be aware that some men are not conscious of this, so if you have a husband, son, boyfriend etc. you need to clearly warn him. You need to spell it out for him in plain old English. You need to get him this book! Don’t beat around the bush. Tell it like it is. I'd like to say to both males and females, "Please be aware that there are males and females that are experts at this and are looking for opportunities to capture prey. The way this works is simple. First there is Mister Helpful, then trust is built and over a period of time someone gets too comfortable."  That’s why the formula is DEPENDABILITY + TRUST = VULNERABILITY.

LEARNING TO COUNT

As children we learn to count. We count toys, days, years, money and all sorts of things that are important to us. It has been a powerful tool that helps us get through life. Counting can tell you what you have, what you don’t have and how much you need. Within a relationship these figures are vital. If you are brave enough to take the time to count the blessings and wonderful qualities you’ve been afforded through your relationship with your partner, you will then realize that you’ve got a lot to be thankful for. It will also remind you why this person is so important to you causing you to again value what you have. It will also tell you what you could potentially lose if you are not careful. Go ahead and count them. Do it now. You’ll be so glad you did.

When you do the math and find out what you don’t have, then you become privileged to what your relationship can be by adding in what it is lacking. The formula for this calculation is: You + Your Mate times Conversation on what you can do to make your relationship better = An awesome plan for a better relationship. Guys the ladies usually know exactly how to do this, so bravely dive right in. Of course all of this takes time, but believe me it is time worth taking.

In taking an honest introspective inventory of yourself you can come up with what and how much you truly need from your relationship. Too many people have no true idea as to what they need from a relationship. What’s worse is we either are afraid to ask or don’t know how or what to ask for. In many cases we are too often escaping or running from something or someone that we’ve never taken the time to know ourselves enough to know what we want prior to entering into a new relationship (see Blog Entry:  “WHY DO I ALWAYS CHOOSE THE WRONG PERSON”). Take time for you and do the inventory on whom you are and what you need. You’re worth it. 

When you learn to count and do the math you come out with some very interesting numbers.

LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH

This is an oldie, but goodie from SWM

Matthew 22:39: “And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Ephesians 5:28: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”

Most of us clearly understand God’s command that we love others, but unfortunately some of us don’t realize that this has to first begin with love for ourselves. Oh yes we can name the Greek words for love with great pride as they roll off of our tongue “Philios, Storge, Eros and Agape”, but when it comes to loving ourselves we sometimes come up short. One cannot properly love someone else if they don’t love themselves. Loving one self is the basis on which we are able to love others. It is also that which helps us know the boundaries of that love. That’s why we are taught to love others as (we first love) ourselves. This principle helps us maintain a healthy balance when it comes to love. In other words you don’t love someone to the point of smothering them or hurting yourself. People who do not maintain self love can: forgive others, but find difficulty forgiving self, see worth in others, but not in themselves, find time to do good for others and little or no time for themselves, give compliments to others, but find it hard to receive them, see others as lovable, but themselves as unlovable. Furthermore it seems that we become confused with the scripture that tells us to deny ourselves. Some of us think it tells us to neglect ourselves. The denying of ourselves, as spoken by the scripture, is neglecting and forsaking our ways of doing, viewing and pursuing and embracing God’s ways of doing, viewing and pursuing. For instance we tend to curse those that curse us, but God’s way is to bless them that curse us and pray for them that despitefully use us (Luke 6:28). It is trading in of our old ways to embrace His ways and has nothing to do with treating ourselves bad. Loving yourself is self preserving and not selfish or self centered. It causes us to protect ourselves and thereby survive. That’s why we are taught to “save ourselves” (Acts 2:40). So before you run out there and love someone else; make sure that you already “Love The One You’re With!”

A Letter Gets Heard When You Don't

In all of my experience teaching couples to build strong, lasting and loving relationships I have found that everyone experiences a point where communication with one another becomes difficult. Sometimes situations are either too painful or problematic where verbal communication just can't be done without explosive results. I'm talking about those times where both parties want to be heard and are not interested in listening to the other person's side of the story. Everyone knows that if there is no communication the only thing that we have  left are bad attitudes, assumptions and an ever growing unhealthy situation. Whenever I have a couple that are experiencing this I always encourage them to find a way to communicate. One of the best ways that I have found to break the ice is to mail a letter to the other person without a return address. In the letter take the time to tactfully convey what you want your mate to know. Why a letter?

• It is because people will read a letter even when they have no interest in talking to you. 
• They can't argue with a letter.
• While they may get angry with what they read there is no real physical confrontation.
• They will know what is on your heart
•  It shows that you value your relationship enough to do what it takes to keep communication alive

I have never seen this fail to open up communication. Try it. Don't be surprised if you get a letter back.

What Is Love?

What is love? I know that many eons and millions of words have been spouted out on this topic, but what is this thing called love? It is the unconditional giving of oneself without losing oneself. It is the willingness to grow and share that growth with a willing partner. It is the joy of sharing and being as one yet individuals. It is the unconditional communication between two people. It is a commitment to that person to be there, to honor the other and to respect them and validate them. It is to cherish, share, smile and cry together. To experience life and all it has to offer. Where the "things" in life do not mean as much as each other. Where your hearts share and relish in one another. It is a place of contentment and experience. It is the beauty and grace of two spirits/souls intertwined in the magical journey of life. It is taking those nuances of each and combining them into tolerance and acceptance. It is the combining of two individuals into one unit, but maintaining the needed individuality for survival. It is holding, kissing, hugging, making love and the warmth of two people cuddled together. It is acknowledging the feelings and needs of each. It is a commitment to help the other in any endeavor that they should choose to embark upon. It is knowing the others heart! It is not being afraid, but being honest, caring and compassionate. It is helping your partner to grow and not yet not becoming afraid of that person, but being able to share what needs to be said and saying it in love. It is acknowledging the boundaries of each and of self and maintaining those lines.

Partners Hold Hands

Partnership in relationships is an absolute must. It is a powerful commitment and without it the relationship will fail. The two of you may yet be together, but the relationship is not working because without partnership it has become out of balance. Partnership means that you are in each other’s corner working towards the best for each other regardless of what it takes. It’s a conscious decision emphatically made by both parties. In becoming partners, there must be an understanding that it will require a considerable amount of effort, so don’t expect it to be easy. In fact, it is only maintained by constant work. One of the special things that partnership brings to the relationship table is SECURITY. Security is the peace in knowing that the other person is going to be there for you regardless. Committed Partnership has the ability to help us become more tolerant, patient, appreciative, protective, unselfish and loving towards one another. When things get tough committed partnership reminds us that the two of us are in this thing together. The next time you find yourself in an argument try this exercise: You can do this either sitting or standing. Face to face, take each other by both hands and continue the argument. You can do this because “Partners Hold Hands.”

Why Do I Always Choose The Wrong Person?

One of the most interesting relationship questions that I’ve ever been asked is, “Why do I always pick the wrong person?” It is usually accompanied by this question, “How do I stop picking the wrong person?” While there are many answers to these questions I think one of the most important one is the fact that knowledge of oneself must take precedence to entering into a relationship with someone else. What I mean is that you have to choose to know yourself first. Doing so will arm you with the information necessary for making wise choices when it comes to being romantically linked. For example: What are your likes, dislikes, ambitions in life, traditions and personal beliefs? How did you grow up? Did you have a large family with gatherings or no family at all? What have been the experiences that have shaped your life? Are there things that you don’t mind settling for? What about behaviors that you will not tolerate? Are you very passionate, talkative, quiet, adventurous, withdrawn or fun loving? How important are these things to you?  These are things you need to know. I have only listed a few of them, but it is by knowing some of these things that you will have what you need to form a set of solid expectations, requirements and boundaries for a relationship with someone else. Please understand that these determinations need to be made BEFORE you are faced with a moment of decision. That way you won’t have to think about them. They will have the ability to automatically kick in when you need them. Unless you take the time (YES I SAID TAKE) to do this you will be like someone blindfolding themselves and stopping up their ears before choosing between two barrels to stick their hand into. One of the barrels, which will be nearest to you, is filled with venomous vipers and the other contains the keys to one of life’s greatest treasures. You’ll just keep choosing the nearest, most available and assessable barrel where you will consistently get bitten. Why not take the time to choose you first instead?

Loving My Very Best Friend

I used to hear that if you got into a relationship with your best friend (of the opposite sex of course) that you would ruin the relationship. However, after being married for a good amount of years, I can truly say that if you want a successful relationship your mate had better be your best friend! If not you may not make it. In fact it would behoove us to incorporate some of the exceptional qualities of a best friend relationship into our romantic ones. Let's look at some of the special things about best friends:

• They accept one another's faults and remain friends
• There's a feeling of trust, confidence and family between them
• When they have disagreements they find a way to get past them and remain close
• They don't get offended easily because, in their minds, their friend has no ill will towards them

Isn't it interesting that we sometimes treat our best friends better than our mates? How is it that we can forgive our best friend and not our mate or accept the mistakes of our best friend and not our mate? If we were to make the love of our life our best friend, then we very well might find ourselves:

• falling in love over and over again
• in a relationship where there is much more security
• receiving the acceptance and room to grow that you've always been looking for
• experiencing a relationship that is not only enjoyable, but totally fulfilling

By the way, those wonderful feelings of euphoria you get at the beginning of the relationship tend to wane after a while, but if you are best friends they come back over and over again. Being best friends is what keeps  you together between those times when the passion has somewhat slowed down.  I don't know about you, but I'm going to continue loving my very best friend. In fact, I've got some more loving to do right now. 

He Has A Need To Earn Your Time

Believe it or not there are times when women find men just as complicated as men find them. What do I mean? Well it seems that some ladies think that if they immediately give guys everything they desire that it will somehow make them more valuable that man. Unfortunately they find out, much to their dismay, just the opposite happens. Why do men react this way? Well there is a need within males to conquer things or, to put it a better way, a need to feel that they were somehow able to earn your time, attention and favor. When this takes place they feel good about what they have acquired and place more value on it. This is not necessarily a conscious thing within them, but it is certainly there. If a guy doesn’t earn your time, he will  more than likely take it and you for granted. It won’t mean very much to him. If he can have everything he desires from you without any kind of effort, then he’ll more than likely find someone else who makes him earn it and come back to you whenever he feels the notion. In his mind you are just easy and will always be there. I know this sounds like I am telling you to play games with him, but I am not. What I am telling you is that you need to understand the way men determine value. When you understand it, then go ahead and act accordingly. Don’t be vindictive. Just reserve some of yourself by making him earn your time and attention. I had a friend who was always talking to this guy on the phone and was wondering why he never asked her out. I told her that he didn’t have to take her out because he felt that he was spending time with her on the phone. Now ladies you and I both know that talking on the phone is not really spending time with someone, but he thought so. After allowing her to gather herself, I explained to her what she needed to do if she wanted him to take her out. You’re waiting for me to tell you what I told her? Oh okay. I told her that when he called she should be very happy to hear from him, but make the conversation short. Let him know that she was busy taking care of the laundry, homework, cooking dinner or whatever. However, she should always let him know that she is sorry that she has to go, she really enjoyed hearing from him and is looking forward to spending time (wink, wink) with him again. Within one week he was asking her out to dinner. Now I would like to reiterate that I am not saying that you should play games with anyone’s heart, but what I am saying is that you need to understand, like my friend did, how men determine value.

The First Rule Of Marriage

Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Why would God tell his son, a man who had no apparent mother besides the Earth, to leave his father and mother and cling to his wife? It is because it is a shift in thinking and relationships that must be done so that his marriage can work. This principle is so important that it can be found at least four times in the Bible. It teaches us that no one and nothing should come before a man’s wife not his mother, father, children, friends, hobbies, cars and any other thing that he holds dear in his life. Too many find this shift difficult for numerous reasons the least of which is the fact that there is a lack of security and trust. Wait a minute you’re talking about my mother! I am quite aware of this, but do you realize who made the rule? God is Adam’s father and from the perspective of being his dad he told his son to cleave to his wife. Is your mother greater than God? Hold it pastor these are my children! Yes I know, but a marriage cannot be based upon the children because it won’t work. Eventually they will be gone and, if you don’t watch yourself, basing your marriage on them may totally destroy it. There is much I can say about that, but I won’t. The most important thing is that for the man there should be no one that comes before his wife and for the wife there should be no one that comes before your husband. Without compliance to this rule your marriage is destined for major problems.

Actually, She Wasn’t Asking You A Question

Hey guys have you ever experienced the following scenario?


BISHOP: “Okay Joe, so your lady was getting dressed and comes over to you and asks you which dress she should wear. You pick one of the dresses and she immediately decides to wear the other dress. I realize and clearly understand that it frustrated you, but guess what? She wasn’t really asking your opinion.”


JOE: “Well it certainly sounded like she was!”


BISHOP: “I know, but she wasn’t really asking you for one.”


JOE: “What do mean? What in the world are you talking about? A question is a question and if she’s going to ask my opinion and doesn’t plan on taking my advice, then why does she do it? Is she trying to drive me crazy? Will we ever understand women?”


BISHOP: “Uh….. excuse me. Bishop to Joe. Come on back brother. Okay. Maybe I need to explain the situation a bit. As I have taught in the past females think and speak in a different language than males.”


JOE: You got that right!”


BISHOP: “Joe?”


JOE: “Okay. Sorry pastor.”


BISHOP: “As I was saying the ladies have a different way of communicating than we do and this is simply one of those examples. While it appeared to you that she was asking you a question, what she was doing in reality was including you in her world. It was her way of letting you know that you are a priority in her life. In other words it was just another way to let you know that she loves you.”


JOE: “Are you kidding me?


BISHOP: “Nope. She was not asking you a question.”


JOE: “Thanks pastor. I get it. I don’t, but I do.”

Just Say No

Guys to keep a relationship solid you’ve sometimes got to say NO. Yes I know she is going to contest in one manner or another seemingly until she get her way, but there’s something else you need to understand. With few exceptions most women don’t always want a man who agrees with everything she wants or suggests. She actually expects you to disagree and literally say no to some of her requests, decisions and ideas. Why? Well it gives her an indication as to whether she has a MAN or just someone who has lost his manhood. Now don’t think beyond any stretch of your imagination that she’s not going to contest. She’s going to contest! However, after it all over in the quietness of her private moments she’ll sort of smile in the assurance of knowing that she has got a real man. In fact you may over hear her on the phone discussing it with a sense of pride to one of her girlfriends, “And honey the little man in him rose up."

You Don’t Have To Lose Your Manhood

One of the things I find interesting about teaching these “Eve Factor” principles to my brothers is the misconception that you’re in danger of losing your manhood if you work too hard on making your relationship successful. Nothing is farther from the truth. In fact ladies want a MALE MAN. They don’t want you to become too soft because then they’ll inadvertently have to take up some of the slack that you leave behind. She would have to handle the responsibilities that you would be waiting on her to take care of, deal with you not being willing to make a decision and things as simple as handling all of the details of a night out together and surprising her with it.  Just like one of the results of a lady “losing herself” is you also losing her, so it is when you lose your MANHOOD she also loses that part of you too. So, please understand that the object of learning to strengthen your relationship is not to suck the masculinity out of you, but to strengthen it with knowledge and experience. In fact preserving your masculinity also protects and allows her femininity to flourish. I have seen even the toughest ladies become more feminine when she has a man who handles his responsibilities and maintains his manhood, which also encompasses him embracing his inner gentleman. So while your lady wants you to be able to communicate, listen and be mindful of her, she does not want you to lose your manhood. If you do lose it you may very lose her while you think you are yet with her.

Hey Fella, It's Not About You!

One of the most problematic things about a lady losing herself is the male's difficulty in realizing that this situation is not about him. It is difficult for him because she may blame him for a lot of how she is feeling whether he is a direct contributor or not. However, the direct problem here is that SHE HAS GIVEN AWAY TOO MUCH OF HERSELF!  This doesn't mean that the guy isn't guilty of being an inadequate mate, but what it does mean is the lady needs to again find her way back to wholeness. My brother if she is blaming you for whatever, just handle it knowing that the real problem and focus needs has to be in helping her find her way back to self. Nevertheless understand that IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I know that's hard when everything she may be saying etc seems to be pointing your way, but if you love and respect her, then you'll be willing to walk with her through this. One of the most important things she needs during this time is security. What is security? I am glad you asked. Security is knowing that you are going to be there regardless. So, don't be so quick to walk away from her. Stop trying to fix her because she doesn't need to be fixed. The problem is that she doesn't know what's wrong herself. That's why she keeps getting frustrated with you when you try to fix her or make her tell you what's wrong. Do you love her? If you do then understand that she needs your support, listening (non-critical) ear and time. Let her talk until she feels that she has totally expressed whatever is in her heart. I know this could take hours, but believe me it is worth it. By the way, you do not and should not lose your manhood through this process because what she needs at this time is a man. Okay lets get back to the listening. The reason you should let her exhale (talk) is because it is through the process of her expressing what she feels that she can come to the conclusion of what's going on within herself. You know how it is. Some problems are bigger in your head than they are in reality and sometimes when you talk it out you ultimately resolve your own problem. Let her do this. Don't run away from this. Don't throw up your hands and say forget about it. Don't say she's tripping and for Heaven's sake don't take it personal! You've got everything it takes to help her through this. Remember, it is not about you. The problem is that she has given away too much of herself and needs to be replenished!

"Excuse Me Miss. Are You Lost?"

Standing on the street corner was a lady who looked like she was going somewhere, but for some reason she was not making any progress. The look on her face seemed to indicate a little confusion. She was looking around, started walking in one direction then stopped and turned to go in another direction and stopped again. Looking across the street she leaned forward as if she was going to cross, but hesitated. There was a real look of frustration, disappointment and confusion on her face all at the same time. I don't know how that's possible, but if you ever saw it, you would know what I'm talking about. Being the type of person I am I wanted to help, so I walked over to her and said, "Excuse me Miss are you lost?" There comes a point in every couples relationship where the lady is unable to enjoy the bond between her and her mate. Don't get me wrong she's still going through the motions, but that's all it is. Going through the motions. If you were to ask here what's wrong she would be unable to tell you. If her mate tried to find out what the problem is in an effort to fix it, she would become totally frustrated with him. Is it because he has done something wrong? Not necessarily. You see, she doesn't need to be fixed and, if the truth be told, she may not really know what is going on herself. That's why she became agitated when he attempted to get her to explain what was going on. What is going on you may ask? Well, she is in a state of what may be referred to as being lost. Sometimes we  refer to it as losing herself. How does she get there? Why does this happen? What can she do about it? Whoa! Take it easy here. One question at a time. Come on guys let the ladies get some questions in. Just kidding. Nevertheless lets get real with this. Here's what happens. Ladies give so much of themselves to the males in their lives to the point where there is literally nothing left. We've found that when they arrive at this point they seem to go on autopilot and continue giving. This continuous "pouring out" phenomenon is what we are alluding to when we say that she is lost. What about her is actually lost? That's a great question. It is the intrinsic value of self, who she is, where she's going and her personal sense of worth that seems to have slipped away from her leaving her completely unaware of what has transpired. It is sort of like giving your all and, in spite of having nothing left, everyone is expecting you to be at your best. You really cannot function properly. Think of it as her losing her sense of wholeness or better yet think of her walking around feeling incomplete with no idea as to why she is experiencing it or, for that matter, how she arrived at this point. I want to clearly drive home the point for all of us that, in many cases, she may not know that she's lost herself until she's been there for quite some time. Needless to say the poor guy has no clue what's going  on  either or, for that matter, what to do about it. Can you see how this can be a problem within a relationship?  She doesn't realize that she's lost herself and he is totally unaware of what's going on.